


Fears - AmeriPan Angst

by toolingmoomin (fiddlemoomin)



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Angst, Aromantic, Asexual, Hetalia, Kiku doesn't like Alfred :(, M/M, Secret Crush, Unrequited Crush, Young Love, ameripan - Freeform, in the closet
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-06-23
Updated: 2019-06-23
Packaged: 2020-05-18 14:25:08
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,100
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19336345
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fiddlemoomin/pseuds/toolingmoomin
Summary: A quick thing I did in two hours or so when I wanted to do some angst-ish stuff? Basically Alfred has a massive crush on Kiku but realises he'll never like him back.





	Fears - AmeriPan Angst

Alfred quietly laid on Kiku’s bed, silently reading the same page of a comic book he had tried to read for the past hour at least. Kiku was distracted, splayed out on the bed in his red track suit. He was wearing a petite set of glasses and was reading manga. The two teens had a bit of music playing in the background, but the boys themselves hadn’t really talked all that much since they started reading. 

It was quite recent Alfred had stopped being able to concentrate. Kiku often invited him over to read the latest manga or watch anime with him, but recently Alfred had felt himself grow much more excited whenever Kiku had asked him. Just the thought of spending time with Kiku caused his stomach to flutter. Alfred hadn’t realized why until a few weeks back when Kiku came out. 

“I think I’m asexual. Maybe aromantic too..” Kiku had told back then. And for some odd reason Alfred had felt his heart break at those words. Of course he had been supportive, but he couldn’t help but feel disappointed. That’s when Alfred realized he was crushing on his best friend.  
Even though Kiku had told Alfred about his sexuality, Alfred couldn’t help but be hopeful. Perhaps some day, Kiku would change his mind? If he knew it was Alfred and how amazing it would be to be with him? Even though Alfred knew deep down Kiku wouldn’t change, he couldn’t help but hope. Especially as they laid there, on Kiku’s bed a summer night, just enjoying each others company.

Alfred wasn’t even out to anyone yet. Not even Kiku. It was truly only dream thinking to be Kiku’s boyfriend. With his conservative, church going parents and his status in school, Alfred never even considered coming out as an option.

“Hey Kiku?” Alfred finally asked, putting down his comic book while Kiku quietly continued reading, although let out a hum to indicate he was listening. “Have you ever.. been in love with anyone?” He asked as if it was the most basic question. Kiku hesitated. Did Alfred not understand what aromantic meant? Would he have to explain it? Before Kiku could think any further, Alfred interrupted him. “I mean.. have you ever looked at someone and just.. admired and adored them so much that you like, forget your own name?” He was, a dorky smile briefly finding it’s way to Alfred’s lips. 

Alfred noticed Kiku staring a bit, Alfred turning his head to face his best friend, Kiku’s deep brown eyes studying the blond. “Do you ever just.. loose your breath, your ability to think, just by someone looking at you?” He asked with a somewhat hopeful smile, his heart fluttering in his chest.  
Kiku hesitated. He had never felt that. But it was clear that Alfred had. It was probably a girl from school. Probably Alice Kirkland, the really smart girl they talked to and shared their notes with in science. She was totally Alfred’s type, Kiku assumed. Then he shook his head. 

“I haven’t.. Is this about someone specific?” Kiku asked curiously, putting down his manga to focus on Alfred’s answer. The blond hesitated, his smile disappearing. “No.. No, I was just wondering..” Alfred lied, sighing as he laid back down. “It’s a girl, isn’t it? Alice, from science?” Kiku offered, Alfred gulping. He didn’t know what Kiku would think if he told him it was really Kiku he was in love with. 

“Yeah..Yeah, it’s Alice from science..” Alfred lied, looking away. Kiku could feel something not being exactly right, but didn’t question it as his parents entered the room shortly after to tell the teens to head to bed. A quick bedtime routine later and Kiku and Alfred were back in bed. Kiku had a weird feeling as he laid down, although once again didn’t mention it. Perhaps he was the only one feeling weird? There was no reason to tell Alfred. Alfred on the other hand felt disappointed and sad. He had almost cried when he was finishing up in the bathroom minutes ago, but had held his tears back.  
Instead he was laying with tearful eyes on the bed, his back to Kiku. “Goodnight, Alfred..” Kiku muttered quietly as he cuddled up to his Miku body pillow, seeming to relax a bit. “Goodnight, Kiku..” Alfred replied after drying his eyes, letting out a sigh as he turned around and quietly watched Kiku’s back. 

Kiku was quick to fall asleep and leave Alfred alone to wonder in the dark. Was he just not Kiku’s type? Maybe he could do something to impress him? What on earth would even impress Kiku? The only thing that came to mind was reciting anime openings and buying him more merchandise. Not exactly the most romantic, Alfred sighed.

Alfred was at a loss. He knew how deeply in love he was with Kiku, how he could watch him do nothing for hours and still find it interesting. But as he laid awake in Kiku’s room, he came to a realization. Kiku didn’t love him back. To Kiku, Alfred was the kindergarten friend he would watch anime with and be oddly comfortable with, especially for someone who was barely ever comfortable. Someone he could laugh with, play video games and such with. But not hold at night, go on dates together. They’d never get to look each other in the eyes and just know being together made their lives more perfect. They’d never even have a life together, not like Alfred wanted it anyways. 

And in some way Alfred felt ungrateful. He should be happy Kiku was even his friend, feel lucky that the could spend so much time together. But in a weird way, it only seemed to make everything worse. Seeing Kiku everyday, with a longing that he’d never return. And with that thought stuck in his mind, Alfred couldn’t help but tear up. He wanted to be strong, tell himself it really didn’t matter. But it did, it really did matter. Kiku was the last person in the world Alfred wanted to loose. He didn’t want to be alone. He wouldn’t be able to ever handle being without Kiku in just any way possible. 

But in that moment, Alfred felt the most alone he ever had, even though Kiku was laying right there next to him. Because Kiku would never love him like he wanted him to. And suddenly Alfred’s fears of being alone and not being loved, seemed to engulf him as he laid alone in the dark room, silently crying into his arm.


End file.
